FreeK.Sweet

Coloring Monotony. Illuminating Hue-mans. Cultivating Consciousness. Instigating Awareness. Field Commanding Free Lunches. Curating Experiences.

Right Mind

How holy a viewpoint of creation, distorted under leaves

Wake for night incessant my unruly heart it beats

Lover, he sees intimacy something never must

Hollow out my insides nothing to distrust.

Hallelujah! Love comes first,

With cumming loving synonymous

To trickling telepathic vibrations

Buried nose, social network libations.

Humming lips on pubic bone something to caress

Picture in his mind backless my strap dress.

Awake at night I lie, tossing in his dreams

Cheers my feet, my savior suicide ecstasy.

Listen up!

Here’s a sonnet that I wrote. A picture that I see.

Swollen whisper under breath

Asking, will you cherish me?

Nothingness

For fanfare attention, we become something. Until we bleed it all away to become nothing. The ground soaks us all up, but never enough will there be to fill its commodious cups. How tragic, romantic. Now wait just a minute! I’ve had enough. Just give up, move on. What else?

Each blood cell lives 120 days. Together, 7% of my weight. Impressive, but not great. There would be a drain where everything escapes. Turned inside out, organs flailing about. Put your self together, man! They shout. You can’t do that. Keep it all together and Band-Aid it with a smile on your mouth.

2.7 pints and it’s transfusion, merging with the genetic mission of someone else. At least I know it wont run cold, the hot-blooded you felt. So why do I feel so small, like I can’t even talk to you at all? No tolerance for negativity or suicidal thought. Unless it’s for someone you admire. Then you will make the exception to help your complexion, for fear I will set your house on fire.

And they all watch, like popcorn-munching cops. Envious until the image flops, becoming nothing more than a faint projection. They’ll entertain the erection with no emotional connection. No blood would be spilled and voids would be filled. And like the rest of us, they’ll reach a point of stagnation. And become nothing.

… Taking no responsibility, they’ll blame a devil inside of me while a murder of crows dance around.

Caught Knowing

When the game gets old and is long since boring, a new glance becomes of some future glory. It’s time to gather round for yet another story.

The past precipitates on my lungs as whispers pour through our ears. This isn’t that hard, we’ve been here for years. But do listen…

A soft dream is where we meet, time and time again. Still, even there, we have yet to speak.

It’s forbidden, you know, to lock eyes and exchange nuances. Though inside, clarity is something new for us. Dusty windows and doors nailed shut. After ringing in chimes, you thought I’d never giver up.

Times do come for second chances, never knowing that romance happens. Often enough to cast out lonely. Often enough, you won’t know me.

But recognize me when sun shines, surely. Hold me near, universe exploring. Gone are the days of darkness storming. Assure, plea for a gnome caught loitering. 

A little, please. More understanding. Discerning right from down, under a Virgo moon, wondering. 

Ping. Ping. Ping. 

Recognize the numbness of your reflection. Inside glass made from oblivious concoction. I went deep for complete resurrection. 

And there you were. Standing on the surface and glowing. Waving, smiling, and talking. You approached me. Said hello, and I chocked gracefully.

Turning away, awkwardly. I watched as you disappeared into something. Here, I wait in nothing. However knowing myself, lovingly. 

Waltzing the Bee’s Knees

Upon my hesitant return to that alkali haven, I closed my eyes and tapped into a sliver of historic cosmic dust. There I sat, a fragment of self. We held close hearts and rocked each other back into place. 

Awake. Did you smile at the sparkle that danced back into your eye? A garbage mouthful of dense words holding onto a tongue long after they escaped the heart, fell out. Onto your lap,  they left a wrong impression.

Can you feel it? The lies you tell your heart? It’s a crooked short cut for fans of fame, not the real word. Love becomes a sophisticated cookie,  what becomes nookie? A cheap skate off a cliff, nose dive, face plant.

That ain’t me, Molly. But by golly if the deft don’t turn out punk, and that dark mysterious creature opens his cave to let her beautiful light in. Sometimes, these moments she wants to parade
her song, grin. Hiatus is not weakness; the breakthrough is greatness. Hand me a stringed machine. I’ll grow you an inspiring destination.

Now listen, my foot steps you will trip in and my arms you will sob in. It’s a long road to standing, this patience to step down to levels with you. My eyes meet with portals to truth seeking beams and your stories never come true. I love with great sentiments and hold on to forgiveness for you.

Homewrecking Has A Name

A fortnight solitude glistens effortlessly, or so one would think. I walk untethered and perhaps misunderstood aside an opposites mirror. A feather. Hot steam. I would think the other other would like me. I think I’ll go eat worms. Foolishly popped off to what is now un-courted.

My door rests ajar past midnight this hot summer night. Romeo and Juliet fought memory with uncanny jinx along the antique wall in the garden. Fairies rest quiet tonight, yet someone’s footsteps haunt me. I fought, courageously, the demons of my past. Eager for learning. I’m still forgetting… um, what was that? I know it was something important, it had to be. But a meeting at this brick wall entertains my schizo phase 1: will to my Schizo phase 2: Capital S for emphasis on my newly purchased indoctrination substituted pack rat investment. Make art. That’s my duty.

The furthest role from homeostasis became a forced vacation, upon which I met my mental librarian. Hello, she whispers with her eyes. A sultry consequence to genetic mutation. They all become hard enough in one second and I miss the train to dissociation. I see him stare at her or her or her, and I cringe as I watch another her berate my sexist sixth senses. I am practicing my tact.

Home-wrecking has a name, unfortunate game. All the time, to keep you off my mind. All the time, I fight. Can’t go home alone again, need someone to numb the pain. Where the fun ain’t got no end… where the fun ain’t got no end… where the fun ain’t got no end… and it ends. Something ends. Someone ends. Passed along as destroyer of men. Habitually locked into relations sporting sexual flirtations. That game where a he looks at me, and my he goes and looks at another she. Jealousy. What about me?

Follow your heart or that magnetic sensation you think is love. See it create; see it destroy. Turning to violent competition. Emotional domination comes at me like a freight train. Love each other for what you are now rather than for what you think you can make the other person into. Love is insane. I offer up solutions registered as complaint. Ranting and raving, and like a wrecking ball, I go smashing through preconceived notions leaving behind me a trail of spilled love potion. Numbed by pain.

 

((Citation: I twisted some lyrics from Tove Lo- Stay High (Habits Remix) ft. Hippie Sabotage))

Adventures on a Pegacorn

With thunder beneath my feet,

I run. Sweet.

A perpetual beat.

With lightning bolts of love,

Soaring eagle. Flying dove.

I rise above.

It rains a glistening heart,

First Stroke. True art.

Breathe, fresh start.

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I’ve been turning my Open JAR book into a performance art piece for my MA thesis at CIIS. Busy. Opens in April. I’ve raised over $700 so far for Committee to Aid Abused Women and Safe Embrace in Reno, NV. This piece is on the individual and social impact of sexual violence. I found out from the County Commissioner that April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. I will be receiving a proclamation from Washoe County on April 8 for this piece.

I am currently working with a welder, sculptor and engineer to build a unicorn Pegasus for the performance and have a Kickstarter up that I need your help with. There is also a Facebook event I will link if you would like to attend. If you donate to the Kickstater, you get 2 for 1 tickets. There will be 9 shows total at Pan Pantoja’s Potentialist Workshop in Reno, NV. I am so grateful for Pan and all of his love and support. I wouldn’t be able to complete this without him.

Anyway, I graduate May 18 and am getting ready for the next big phase in my life. I have been looking back on my accomplishments and failure since I started this blog and am so grateful for how much I have grown from this process. I love making art and am blessed to have made it my career. This MA piece, Open JAR: A Potentialist Romance… Almost. is my first performance art piece.

I am using metaphor and some past lives to tell my story of being a survivor of sexual violence. It has been an interesting experience turning DBT into a blog into a book into a performance. Cathartic to say the least.

Kickstarter: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2056446382/open-jar-a-potentialist-romance-almost

Facebook Event: https://www.facebook.com/events/611923005561847/

Thank you so much!

Kelsey

 

 

Leadership by Cultivating Creative Potential and Connecting to Higher Purpose

Introduction

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Addressing my leadership philosophy is equivalent to keeping hold of a slippery bar of soap. It requires mindfulness and a gentle finesse. That is, my leadership philosophy today is still vague, yet my humble and methodical nature makes this an inquiry worth pursuing. I discovered that what works for me one day, may not work the next. The diversity of people and variety of materials with which I engage creatively require attentive nurturing and a drive to harness the wild urges of expression.

Capturing moments and emotions to teach others how to experience bliss has become the motivation behind my leadership philosophy. I believe my niche is cultivating creative potential in others. Therefore, my leadership philosophy is adaptable to foster the cultivation of creative potential with higher purpose through conscious community involvement; my leadership philosophy is to cultivate conscious creative potential in myself and others.  

I engage with people publicly, but perhaps mysteriously and from a distance. I display my emotions with conscious creative intention, relating my experiences and history of social activism. My artwork is an opportunity for me to bring my issues of social injustice to the table – topics often difficult to discuss or witness – topics such as sexual violence, oppression and any environmental damage. This approach is received with empathy or controversy, but exists as an opportunity to experience existence differently. I would say my art interacts with people acting as a means of altering perceptions in place of my physical absence.

I believe that I did not make history, rather history made me. I am the product of epochs of creative evolution, therefore it is my responsibility to further inspire creative power through every potential I can apply myself toward. More simply, as a leader I am a performer who likes to make people question what they think they know.

My efforts are largely centered around consciousness and understanding how the intention behind art influences people spiritually, biologically, neurologically, aesthetically, and personally. I experiment with various mediums such as paint, advertisements, and found objects to explore the relationship I have with myself and how it reflects my relationship with my community. My intention as a leader is to have a positive and nurturing influence on others through the shared experience of creative expression.

Creative Potential

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I feel that it is my responsibility as an artist to integrate various, personal subject matter into bites someone can sensually “chew.” It is important for me to create in order to be heard, seen and acknowledged for my individuality while seeking a sense of justice for my personal experiences. “The motive behind your self-expression is just that – self-expression. It is not about trying to get people to change,” (Campbell, 2001). My philosophy as a leader is to be an artist, express myself, and be a role model for others to also consciously express themselves.

It is my goal to focus on conscious creative expression for healing and evolving myself for my community. I believe that changing me will have a more positive impact on others than telling people they need to change. Their propensity to change must be a decision of their own. Real change must originate internally; otherwise contempt and superficiality are born.

It has been my experience that presenting people with new ideas challenges their beliefs and perceptions. However, the consequences are often ambiguous and dependent upon subjective interpretation. Some people respond negatively and others positively, but either way a dialog is opened. Placing me in this vulnerable state with directed intention helps to satisfy my impulsive urges by relieving my suppressed energy, keeping me focused. Confusion comes from a lack of dialog, or feedback, from another person. Cultivating creative potential is generating communication that challenges beliefs and perceptions, therefor expanding what we think we know. But before communicating with another, I must first learn to communicate with myself.

Someone cannot lead a community without first leading themselves. Deep down I feel I understand what is best for me, for my healing, and for my personal development.  “By staying silent, he stayed in control. He never had to risk being disagreed with, criticized or ignored,” (Campbell, 2001). Meditation and time alone has provided me the time and space to unleash uninhibited creative expression. I can express myself without worry of judgment, but my art does not help the community if I keep it entirely to myself.  For me, I have found relief and opportunity for positive self-development by not staying silent. I take initiatives for myself and stand up to adversity and express my injustices. Even in the face of criticism, embracing the lack of control or predictability of an outcome allows for new potential to unfold.

This has continuously added to my creative potential by giving me a better understanding of the human condition. It feels more honest, though it can often be an uncomfortable interaction. It is important to be mindful of cooperation because emotional situations can spin into a critical confrontation and spin out of control. Being honest with myself allows me to be honest with others, but this means admitting flaws and changing when an opportunity exists for my growth. The necessity of being able to handle change and ambiguity is an aspect of my philosophy that has led to the creation and destruction of interpersonal relationships, yet this unpredictable life has helped me cultivate my own creative potential.

Admitting flaws in traditional rules can be risky for interpersonal relationships. In studying leadership it seems that some of the most effective and influential leaders are those who break the rules to untangle the status quo. They are individuals who took new creative risks in problem solving for the good of not only themselves, but more importantly for their community. Their means of change are often unpredictable and innovative. They take risks. I have an inherent urge to act against unjust rules, breaking the confines of tradition and exploring the potential of human experience. I do this through explorations of self via my creative process. The creative potential of my art work is enhanced because this diversity of behavior translates to experiencing the world from many viewpoints by assimilating an integral approach.

Creative Community

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I tend to lean toward change, adventure, and meeting diverse people. However, I do see how this can be a challenge to my leadership philosophy as I have a difficult time staying in the same place for a long time when gathering information. As Robert Axelrod points out in The Evolution of Cooperation,

“Therefore, if the other player is not likely to be seen again, defecting right away is better than being nice. This fact has unfortunate implications for groups who are known to move from one place to another. An anthropologist finds that a Gypsy approaches a non-Gypsy expecting trouble, and a non-Gypsy approaches a Gypsy suspiciously, expecting double-dealing,” (1984).

Building trust becomes difficult when personal interactions are limited. It seems fit to say that I identify with a counterculture that networks diverse groups to build larger communities. Taking risks and being authentic in brief interactions creates an opportunity to challenge perceptions by risking authentic expression and being emotionally vulnerable. I can introduce people to opportunities, becoming a catalyst for relationships that benefit and enhance the potential of both people and myself. It is a matter of extending potential by putting people outside of their comfort zones.

It’s not that I entirely identify with Axelrod’s Gypsy, but I understand my past approach to cultivating relationships was not conducive to effectively leading others. I come from a history rife with trauma and distrust, so I can relate in the sense that being a catalyst for people to be conscious and aware of their potential creates a discord between others and me. It seems cultivating creative potential can be uncomfortable. My unconventional approach to expressing and healing through art can make me a person difficult to relate to, which is not necessarily in line with my philosophy as a leader.

 I want to be easy to relate to and engaging. But I am a lone ranger, a wanderer, or in sense, a Gypsy. At least, it seems an appropriate classification for creative types like me. “So influences that are in the local vicinity have more effect; the influences farther away are far less effective,” (Goswami, 2011). It is my philosophy as leader to be present. As an artist, my ideas and concepts can be gathered from my work so that I can still influence people without my physical body actually being there. The stronger my intention, the greater the influence can potentially be. So long as I can be present while engaging with others, I can be an effective leader.

My philosophy requires that my intentions be authentic with an artistic voice that creates beauty from every moment. “Real communication focuses on your sensations, feelings, and observations, bringing you into the present moment. This kind of communication allows for something real, unplanned, and potentially surprising and creative to occur between you and another person,” (Campbell, 2001). To me, this means value exists in mindfully releasing emotional impulses. There is value in making people uncomfortable with my presence, but it doesn’t mean that life is easy.

I would agree that the consequences from behaving in this manner are indeed surprising, though often the surprise reveals a false expectation. Whatever the outcome, my perception is ultimately shifted and a new way of seeing helps my art to continually evolve. The other person is also presented with an opportunity to increase the potential of their perception by being open to novel concepts with the intention of challenging behavior. This will further expand my influence if my art can continuously have a positive influence on my community.

Cultivating Creative Potential

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As a creative person, I have the habit of becoming lost in my fantasies and ideals. I prefer imagining the ways I think the world can be. I am often consumed by my passions and discovering new ways to share them. “Our passions fuel us, and enlightened leaders seek to achieve their full potential,” (Figliuolo, 2011). I cannot achieve my full potential in creative expression if I am silent and isolated from community. The constant shifting in my perception allows me to better foresee potential outcomes; in turn, enhancing the intention that goes into my work. As a leader, it is my philosophy to integrate as much diversity in order to cultivate the most potential out of creative behavior. Continuously learning and pushing myself to my limits strengthens me spiritually, emotionally and physically.

 In the moment, this allows me to see further potential for human interaction, ultimately entertaining myself with experience of diverse groups of people while also creating an opportunity to intentionally share how my experiences affect my philosophy as a leader. “Experiencing what is and expressing the feelings that arise help you stay connected to yourself, to the other person, to reality, and therefore to this larger energetic principle,” (Campbell, 2001). By challenging my own perceptions to discover new potential, I can show others how to also enhance their potential. As a leader, it is important for me to approach people mindfully, calmly and with a sense of being grounded. That way I can focus on the person and not myself while maintaining authentic interaction.

Integrating diverse approaches often leads me to explore metaphysical studies or spirituality relating to higher purpose in order to find positive sources of inspiration. Recognizing the potential influence the artist has within society from this level drives me to pursue ethical social activism to restore justice and a sense of collective consciousness. Art has been a means of overcoming trials and tribulations associated with traumatic events and other life changes.

“By recognizing and identifying evil, we neutralize its power, which is based on concealment and masking… The only thing that can stop state-endorsed torture and murder is to expose it to the eyes of the world: to document and call attention to it, as the work of the Amnesty International Organization has repeatedly demonstrated,” (Metzner, 122).

The healing process behind art is the liberation of evils by objectifying emotional experiences which the artist detaches from and the viewer connects to. When it is identified in creative expression, communication transcends ordinary interactions allowing for potential to unfold.

Creative expression provides an acceptable vehicle for communicating authentic experiences and provides a source of social relating and learning. This type of art work can be uncomfortable to experience, yet creates the opportunity for social change by uncovering injustice. Art has the power to influence positive social change, and as a leader this creates the opportunity to reach out to the community.

The possibility exists that developing creativity comes with the sudden risk of self-discovery. It is my leadership philosophy to approach my community as an enlightened person who has shined light on even my darkest corners, but sometimes what I find can be quite terrifying and hard to admit. I want to expose my personal injustices and inspire conscious awareness of injustices everywhere, but this also means taking responsibility for my intentions. A good leader can accept fault and claim responsibility for shortcomings. But this level of self-awareness requires the strength to accept these flaws as reminders that I can always be real without depressing people; I want my personal story to be uplifting.

Dark Night of the Soul and a Bright Star in the Sky

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In order to cultivate my own creative potential, I have to dive into my emotional depths and climb to my brightest heights. I must be able to express both darkness and light to find hidden truths within myself. Exploring the range of my emotions enhances my creative potential. But it is within my philosophy to not label darkness as something bad. Rather the shadow offers an opportunity for illumination, or growth. “Thus, in some ways, the notion of something unacceptable, and therefore hidden, is perhaps more appropriate than the symbol of the shadow (something dark),” (Metzner, 1998). Referring to our shadows and unconscious qualities as “evil” denies the self and other that opportunity for growth.

The stigma of evil, dark and bad do a disservice to the collective unconscious and power of creative expression. We limit potential by punishing the expression of our negative qualities. We blind ourselves into seeing nothing but what we call goodness and light, denying that darkness exists, therefore doing nothing to evolve our conscious awareness. Or vise-versa, those who accept only darkness refuse to look at the light.

Not only does consciousness suffer, but when my right to creatively express myself is denied, my physical body also suffers. “In the body this process (of negation and denial) is a stoppage, a blocking of the flow of life energy,” (Metzner, 124). It has been my history to self-destruct when I swept my expressions of this suffering beneath a metaphorical rug, denied by those around me for being myself, negating my feelings of existing. The reciprocal effect of a projected denial leads to a false sense of reality or identity in relationships that is based on lies, deceit, unconsciousness or the desire to avoid responsibility of shadow impulses for fear of rejection by others for not being a pocketful of positive (fucking) sunshine all the time.

Awareness of the dynamics of leading one’s self among others leads me to the understanding that not conforming to societal expectations of roles creates a ripe opportunity to explore how the self differs from the other. By expressing authentically rather than denying the existence of negative emotions, it has been my experience that more opportunities for healing and growth have occurred because I have been honest with myself and put my wellbeing above others. The opportunity to adhere to one’s own value system is not compromised for the sake of fitting-in with a group. It has been my experience that this sort of behavior often leads other members of the group to ostracize and reject any person not willing to participate in group activities.

This is the essence of leading ourselves among others – lending our efforts and services to the perceived good of the group without having to be recognized as a part of that group. It is the ability to make decisions and remain autonomous so that your own needs are being met, that you are being the best you can be, with the conscious awareness that your efforts, independence, skills and uniqueness are contributing to the betterment of humanity as a whole.

“When you identify yourself primarily as your ego identity and remain unaware of your own very powerful energetic presence, you tend to believe that pain is bad. That’s just another prejudice of the mind – that pain is to be avoided at all costs. To evolve into your capacity to experience what is, you’ll need to be prepared to accept and welcome what’s real – even if it’s painful. Resisting the experience of pain can make it hurt worse.” (Campbell, 2001)

Cultivating creative potential comes from recognizing our positives and negatives. It is recognizing the self as human with a human family, without the judgments, discrimination, or bias that occurs when identifying a group against another. It requires integrating and reconciling opposing forces. “So positive experiences can be subject to misinterpretation just like negative ones can,” (Campbell, 2001). What I mean is one can stand as an individual as well as represent communities. One does not need to be the center of attention or popular to be a good leader. Being a good leader, to me, is someone who can stand in the face of adversity (darkness) as well as its counterpart, acceptance (light). It is someone who can express themselves consciously with the intention of bettering themselves and their community constantly, as a way of life.

Conclusion

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My journey toward defining my leadership philosophy here has been a humbling experience that is only just the start of my understanding of what it means to be a good leader. I venture out on a limb to express myself, to pour my heart out to the world with high hopes of being caught in the vessel of some person out there with the empathy to understand my motive for displaying bare my body as if to say I am here with nothing to hide. “More often than not the truth of a situation doesn’t conform to our ideas about how things should be,” (Campbell, 2001). The way things should be, the way things are expected to be, and the way things actually are become left open for anyone to decipher and interpret.

I am vulnerable but willing to experiment with human psychology, hesitantly accepting responsibility for consequences, but trying to see the best in every situation. I expect, in my mind, the resistance my work faces reveals the projected insecurities of the viewer, and the support I receive will reveal a person’s capacity for conscious awareness (so long as my own conscious awareness is more developed; perhaps someone would not like my work because of my ignorance). Any misunderstanding is an opportunity for me to learn. My reaction I give to those who witness my art reveals a lot about my own inner workings. It is important to me to show up authentically and be seen as someone who can remain in control of herself and is trustworthy to others.

 It has been my philosophy that I know I know nothing. Just when I think I have it all figured out, the Universe delivers something unexpected. “The most authentic response to a situation arises from a place of spaciousness, of silence, of not knowing… Silence is your connection to the Source, the place from which new creation springs forth,” (Campbell, 2001). Not knowing makes one more receptive to other potentials, thus not limiting what we think we know about something or someone.

Life seems rather ambiguous from a creative perspective. “Because you know intuitively that creative discoveries do not involve step-by-step continuity; instead, they are products of discontinuous insight,” (Goswami, 2011). You cannot make a masterpiece happen. It requires being at the right place at the right time with a capacity for experiencing new opportunities. It is seemingly spontaneous, requiring the right catalyzing factors and consciousness, mindfulness, the ability to assimilate new information quickly.

But it also requires the focus, discipline and practice of creative expression, of art. I have to stay open to new perspectives and accept them as truths from another angle. By claiming to “know,” I limit the potential I see in something. One must consciously set an intention toward developing creative potential and understand that it is a life-long process of learning and that no ideal state can ever be reached. Cultivating creative potential means continuously evolving human expression and always learning.

 

Resources

Campbell, Susan. Getting Real. New World Library. 2001

Figliuolo, Mike. One Piece of Paper. Josey-Bass. 2011.

Goswami, Amit. How Quantum Activism Can Save Civilization. Hampton Roads Publishing Company. 2011.

Metzner, Ralph. The Unfolding Self. Origin Press, 1998.

Culminating in Consciousness: Week 1

Well then, another opportunity to document my life exists in video format so here ya go. I came up with this idea for my independent study course I call Culminating Consciousness in Creative Communities. The video has been banned in some countries due to copyrite issues. Apparently lip-syncing and karaoke to other people’s music in the background without their consent means that I have to come up with another way to approximate comfort on screen. In the meantime, enjoy.

A Victim, A Bear

It was a hunt for a mighty beast. We searched many moons to meet the bear we seek. One night, after wandering unfulfilled and restless, I glanced into the stillness of my reflection against a sea of stars. Something growled inside me, telling me it is time to eat of your own flesh for if you look within, you will find what it is you need.

A kind and very generous supporter of mine recently sent me some very precious gifts all the way from South Dakota. He is of Sioux heritage and provided me two hand painted leather pouches full of sage, sweet grass, willow bark, bear root and a rock. One bag is printed with a bison hoof, the other a bear paw. I was drawn to the hoof naturally because I am a Taurus, a stubborn bull with horns. And I’ve always wanted to be a buffalo. The bear paw especially hit me with a wave of synchronicity as it has been the symbol of the separation with my partner. 

On the hunt for a bear, it becomes the victim. We aim our bows and arrows into a pelt we want for our own warmth. We adorn our naked bodies with its fur to pay homage and disguise our terrible human form. When all of a sudden I catch my gaze again in the lake. The moon lights up my face. Without his skin, the bear looks like me. He turns toward me, stands on his hind legs and yells, “Think for yourself! For I am the keeper of the West, the place of darkness, maturity and good harvest.”

From this place, bear gives strength, introspection and knowledge. Bear is the embodiment of strength and is fierce to a threat on its lair.  It is not wise to come between the mother bear and her cubs, teaching us ways to always protect those we love. Through one lens, the bear is our victim. Another lens and we become victim to the bear. Our semantic efforts leads us to a fork where we only hear each other; our hearts pound. I will become her. She will become me.

Inside our bear it is negative, defensive and loud. Foam builds at the mouth, lips exposing sharpened teeth. Inside our bear it is positive, warm, and nurturing. Sleep underground through long frosted months and our skin grows thicker with the hunter. It is said it is the victim who is negative. It is to the idea of victim I greet with warrior.

This is what I like to tell myself: Wow, the expression of your negative shit really exposes the true depth of your being. How amazing the variety of human experience is! And behold the potential for a vastness of understanding and creative expression! To embrace pain in such a vulnerable state is evidence of your capacity to love even those in the darkest of states for you understand what it takes to lift oneself from that place. It is amazing just how strong and resilient the human form can be when we push it to the limits and allow ourselves to grow from the urges of our soul, to experience that discomfort as part of our purpose for something much greater than our self. I receive fulfillment by expressing whatever emotion I authentically feel in the moment. It keeps me alert to the injustices of life and gives me strength to change what I can and accept what I cannot… Just some food for thought on why I share what I do.

Although I appreciate the loving intention you have toward me, I can’t help but feel misunderstood as my approach to my artistic process is based on a behavioral and psychological foundation in which it is steered by a hint of philosophy. Meaning it is well thought out. It is not intended to be an ignorant portrayal of my self pity in search of someone to wipe away my tears and provide me attention for ‘bleeding away to nothingness’ as some have put it, rather it is objectifying the various states in transition pinpointing opportunities for transcendence. Not every one can relate to where I am coming from, but for those who cannot voice frustrations themselves, I have become an inspiration. That I can gladly claim as many have reached out to me to give me props for speaking up about something other than happiness (whatever that looks for anyone). If there ever comes a point where I will never again feel insecure and vulnerable, I think it will be when I return to the stars. Perhaps in time I will find a more effective way of establishing my authority on such topics so I stop feeling condescended by those who care about me.

A ripple in the pool and my vision of self becomes distorted. I am a galactic cluster behind Ursa Major. My conquest has taught me to rise again after defeat. Within myself I find the bear, and within the bear I find the star. I am no victim. I am a great warrior.

Love and Green Grass

I was asked to look deep within myself and ask my heart if I truly do love someone. There is nothing to ask, I answer. I just know. I feel the love in my heart despite every attempt my mind makes to not be in love. I would rather not be in love and just walk away. I would rather avoid confrontations with my ego and pride and go on living life being right and just getting my way, but my heart tells me no. No, what you learn from love feels better than this immediate gratification of ego stroking. The pain is still love. Willingness to experience this much pain is evidence of how much I truly love because love is never easy. It is more than feeling happy all the time and being positive. Love is the acceptance of the dark and negative as fuel for fertile development. It takes us to the depths of existence, otherwise we live nothing but shallow lives. They appear happier on the surface, but self limiting beliefs prevent people from taking risks and learning something new about themselves. They get wrapped in contentment like it’s mother’s womb and are never born to the thrill of stepping out of one’s comfort zone.

If there is anything I have learned about love, it is that it is uncomfortable. My heart races, my breathing changes. My muscles continually fluctuate from tense and relax. I lose sleep and I sleep too much. Love haunts me when I walk the streets as I am bombarded by his name everywhere I go. Love follows me into my dreams where I see him, feel him, smell him. I did not ask love to follow me home and did not invite it in. It just showed up wherever I went and hasn’t left me alone since. It latched onto me like it was apart of me from the very beginning, like it is me, my twin, my better half.

The universe prompts me this week: Is the grass really greener on the other side of the fence? Or is its more vivid hue just an optical illusion caused by your inability to see the situation objectively? Judging from my analysis of your current astrological omens, I suspect that you’re not deluded. The grass really is greener. But it’s important to note the reason why this is true, which is that there’s more manure over on the other side of the fence.

So your next question becomes: Are you willing to put up with more crap in order to get the benefits of the greener grass?

-Universe

So… lets say the grass side you are standing in is water bogged and molding. Maybe it’s infested with moles or something. Then, your neighbor is sitting on his porch smelling his own pile of shit. Like a big heaping mound of horse shit that is taking up his whole driveway so he has to park his truck on the street. It smells hella nasty and there are flies everywhere, but his lawn is fertile and green. Looks good, but you can see the shit from a mile away…You have to look at the shit and smell it while you you look at the grass. You can’t smell grass because he is so proud of his shit he wont move it out of the way.

Do we argue that the side we are on is home for more diverse life and the neighbor’s is a stagnant field of conformity? Or do we take some of the shit from his driveway, make it not smell anymore and give him some of our creatures which will make shit for him so he doesn’t have to haul in his own and obstruct the function of his home? We take some of the shit to absorb excess water and provide nutrients. New grass grows and it smells nice. We can give our water to the neighbor because it also helps us grow, just like shit. Too much shit and not enough water, eventually all we have is shit. We lose some diversity by adding shit, but the things which try to overtake us and deprive us of our nutrients are ok to go, just like mold that grows where grass otherwise would be.

We learn we have something to give our neighbor and they have something to give us. At some point we have to drop philosophy and recognize that our grass isn’t grass at all. It’s everything but. We also then see that our neighbor is just grass and a pile of shit, nothing else. If we need grass, we must go to the other side of the fence, but not without bringing everything else we have to offer. The neighbor and I then compromise, we share, and exchange skills. We learn. I put up with the benefits of crap, he puts up with the benefits of water.

Is this not love? Is the desire to learn, to grow and to move forward with another being not love? To accept the neighbor’s shit as something beneficial and not just some stank that permeates into our dining room when we eat is crucial. It’s not that one should just sit by and have to wear a handkerchief to try and avoid the stench of their shit. In the same respect, one should not stomp next door and demand that the shit pile be removed before we go over there and remove it ourselves. We have to politely knock on the door and offer a compromise that would also benefit our own short falling. Maybe the neighbor piles up shit because he doesn’t know how to tell you that your giant cesspool of a rotting lawn is ugly without thinking he is going to hurt your feelings. In fact, it’s not so much that you need him to tell you your lawn is ugly because that is clearly obvious. Instead, you would appreciate an offer to share shit without having to do all the work yourself. It would be great if he would offer to move it with you seeing that upon his return home, he would carry back something he needs. It’s like the neighbor is saying, well I got green grass so should you, but he is hording all the shit for himself and not lot letting you have anything. Nope, he sits there with his big pile of shit while he still manages to somehow siphon water from your overflowing would-be lawn.

That’s not love at all, that’s ego, baby. And also not the best green lawn on the block. It’s a shitty green lawn on the other side of the fence. But he’s your neighbor. One way or another you are going to have to live with him. It makes sense to work it out so you both get the best of both worlds instead of having to live in constant battle over a pile of shit versus the water-works. It beats having to walk up the street leaving your home just to find someone who will appreciate your cesspool.